“Because trust is the most important part of any relationship.”
LET ME BREATH
Written by: Lolita Choi (@lolita309)
Starring: SJ’s Siwon
As a hidden girlfriend of an idol, an extra patience was needed when it comes to handle our smart netizens. Even just a small mistake wasn’t allowed to be made, well, if you didn’t want to be forced into a living hell. Really, I wasn’t exaggerating. Because later I would experience it myself, a total living hell created by just a ‘slight mistake’ I unintentionally made.
Today, my smartphone didn’t stop vibrating. I frowned, moreover when I saw that the only things came to my phone were only the twitter notifications. Curious, I quickly click the blue bird icon and what I read were just making me shock. To death.
“@allrisegold: hey b*tch @HeA309 do u think u’re that damn pretty to be with him??!! GO GET A MIRROR!!”
“@hellobaby02: @HeA309 things r getting more n more fishy. Just tell us WHO U R to our @siwon407???”
“@jung_mama: JUST DIE!! Siwon oppa is OURS!!! @HeA309”
I read those mentions—and still tons of other typical angry mentions or CCs, of course—that came to my twitter and suddenly I felt like I was having a heart attack. Oh no, oh no. ‘Things are getting more and more fishy’, one of them said. Did that mean… I had… already been caught??
Wait… wait. I read again each and every mention that came to my account, even the very hurtful ones. Lots of them mentioning… ‘couple bunny cushion’??
Oh… God. I remember, I remember now. Quickly, I opened Siwon’s twitter to search for something I was actually afraid to found. And… they were right. I compared the pictures in both of my cellphone and iPad, which each opened each of mine and his twitpic post. It turned out that yesterday I just posted a picture of me, and what I didn’t even realize was that it also captured a sight of a cute bunny cushion on my bed. An exact same bunny which picture had already posted by Siwon a month ago onto his own twitter.
But hey, how could I even mind looking at my back whenever I took photos?? Suddenly this kind of thinking crossed my mind too. Oh my, they really drove me crazy, did they have to be that eagle-eyed to be able to spot a thing normal people wouldn’t have even noticed?? But no, no. Calm yourself, No Hea. Right, right, just like that. Exhaled your breath… Fuahh, I didn’t even know for how many times I’d done that in these few minutes. Okay, I knew that sooner or later this kind of thing will surely come, but no matter how long I’d already prepared myself and my heart, I was still so nervous and scared to death. Scared, because God knew how crazy fans from this country could be in response to every news—moreover scandals—of their idols. I thought even forever can never be enough to prepare one’s heart in overcoming those immature bashes from them.
But again, this had already happened, and I had to face it, even before Siwon did (he might still so busy filming that he was yet looking out his twitter account). Trying to be cool, I then decided to reply one of those. I intentionally picked the most calm tweet, the one that was so hardly to be found among my flooding mentions as if as I was looking for a needle in a stack of rice straws. *sigh*
“@henrylau98: @HeA309 @siwon407 u guys r following each other. U have similar usernames. Lately, all SJ members r following u too. N the most obvious is ur latest twitpic.. Isn’t that bunny cushion behind u the same to him, Unni?”
I started typing my reply.
“@HeA309: @henrylau98 siwon oppa was my highschool sunbae that always takes care of me, even until now. Lately I am befriended with the other oppas too, of course bcuz of him. And I bought that cushion in COEX. Do those make some explanations? :)”
Okay, stop for now, I said to myself before deciding to sign out for the first time from this supported app of my smartphone. Stop being too anxious, Hea. Take a breath. Maybe tomorrow everything would be a lot better.
Super Junior’s Siwon, model Choi Siwon, actor Choi Siwon, those were what people usually called him. But as for me, Siwon was just… Siwon. My Siwon oppa, the boyfriend I loved. Yeah, exactly like what those fans had already thought, I really was his secret girlfriend.
“For the rude comments. For the bashes. And for… just being able to remain silent when you are the one hurting because of that… For I can’t even protect you, the one I love.”
I stucked in the middle of our phone conversation. My lips got stiffed, I really couldn’t think of any response for his apology just then. Why? Why he had to be the one apologized? That wasn’t even his fault, it was just some of his fans acting immature. Why we had to undergo a relationship where we couldn’t even be like a couple?
But that didn’t mean I lied when I said that he was my sunbae. Indeed, we met there and befriended for a long time before decided dating each other 3 years after his debut with Super Junior.
I kept my silence.
“I can… believe you, right?”
“Hm?” startled with his unexpected question, I just responded with again one-word-sentence.
“I can believe you, right?” he repeated. “You’ll withstand this obstacle, you won’t let this ever ruin our love… Because me too, only trust that I can give you. In this kind of relationship like ours, only trust that both of us can rely on…”
I could feel my eyes began to be teary, “Yes…” I answered. And as soon as we hung up, my whole body fell onto my knees. I’ve decided. With heavy tears flowed down my face, I’ve decided to just end this all… we should no longer keep this hurtful relationship. And what made my tears fall even more was that because my decision to end this just came spontaneously after hearing his request, and it was by breaking the trust he gave me…
“Mwol masillae? (What do you want to drink?)”
I looked at the menu board and saw various names of coffee written there. I chuckled. Coffee… tsk, when it came to coffee, I couldn’t not think about him. I even still chuckled while saying my order to Minwoo oppa, the one asking me just now, “Banana Coffee. What about opp—“
I hadn’t even finished my sentence when suddenly a very familiar heavy voice greeted me. In a blink of eyes, I froze. We really met… Trying to be ‘professional’, I turned my back as calm as possible, “Oh, oppa… ji. (Oh, it’s you… oppa.)”
“Then it’s really you? What are you doing here?? With—” he slowly stopped when he saw my hands that successfully wrapped around Minwoo oppa’s reliable arm.
I pretended not knowing anything, not even intended to put my hands off of him,
“Hm? We were just happened to be around and suddenly feel thirsty… Matji (Right), oppa? Oh, and Minwoo oppa, this is Siwon oppa.” I introduced them with a full-aegyo-voice, a very unusual thing that came from me. Minwoo oppa quickly broke a smile while pulling his right leather glove to shake hands, which Siwon ignored selfishly. He instead grabbed my hand tightly and straightly pulled me outside the café.
“Oppa, nwa (let go of me)…!”
“Who’s him??” he repeated while grasping my wrist even more tightly, not to forget putting an intimidating look into my eyes. “He’s that guy, right? The guy on your SNS (Social Networking Site), the guy who keeps calling you when we were together this past week, and now what?? You are trying to go out with him behind my back, but forget that this place is near my filming site??”
Tsk, I smiled bitterly while repeating his words to myself. I’m not that stupid to even go far away from Seoul to Busan just to drink coffee in this café, oppa… I won’t be here if I don’t know that this is the place you always visit whenever you’ve got a break from filming.
“I’ve endured everything, Hea… From the first conversation you guys had on the net, I’ve endured this upset feeling in me. Because I trusted you, because I have always trusted you. But how come you—“
“Because he makes it easier for me to breath when we are together.”
I raise my head to face him properly, really trying to keep cool on top of my nearly broken heart, “Because with him, I won’t have to be worry getting so many hateful, hurtful bashes. Because with him, I feel like I can live a longer life for not always have to take care of your fans’ feelings but ignore my own…” I murmured. “Ah, it’s near your filming site, right? We’d better not be seen together in public, you’ve got your fans around and everything.” I force a smile while adding.
“Just… let me breath…” I finally said while putting off his hand from my wrist, and just went without anymore words. As I walking, it started to rain outside here. Again I chuckled. Rain… actually this wasn’t the only place. Because right now, I felt like the rain also pouring down inside my heart…
“Minwoo oppa, gomawo. Let’s get some fruits for haraboji at home, he must’ve been waiting for us, his grandchildren, for a long time now.”